(Quintessence- Theodore Shapiro, Step Out- José González, You Finish His Work- Theodore Shapiro)
I don't even know what I want to write. I don't know what would be useful, or likely to provide answers or give direction. I'm not sure how much I have to know and how much I can be okay with not knowing. I'd just like to have a dream, some sort of career heading, even a more general career genre where I know I can find my place.
I don't want to compose. Every time I say that it doesn't make me feel any better; just more lost. But I've felt this way for a while about it. It's become a sort of job that I always face with an uncomfortable sense of anxiety. I remember that even when I used to feel excited about it, that excitement would always be quickly stifled by the realization that I couldn't write whatever it was that I heard, and I would then have to simplify the piece to match the level of my abilities.
I think that's a part of not wanting to compose now. With the songs I attempted to write, I often wouldn't carry through because I felt as if I was short-changing myself and my music if I didn't write them with the vision they deserved. There's a part of me that feels like if I did anything in the music industry, I would be short-changing myself because I couldn't compose. It kills me that I can't. First math, and then harmony, and then always composing. Things I've always thought I should have the ability to learn and grasp and understand, but for whatever reason I was simply never good enough to excel. I can't even describe how much that hurts, feeling as though I'm fundamentally unable to be good at something I used to love. It makes me not even want to try anymore. I'd rather not immerse myself in that sort of disappointment that makes composing an almost masochistic endeavor. I feel as though if I were to go for it, I'd be setting myself up for failure.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic. Bluntly realistic perhaps, but I'd be lying if I said that a part of me still didn't want to try and go for it. However, I'm still not sure what "it" is: the ideal image of what I made writing music to be, or the realistic one that I've since learned about? Or some entirely different musical avenue that I have yet to learn about? In the bus on the way back from San Gimignano, I was thinking about how finding different perspectives often reveals solutions that I couldn't see before. Maybe that would be something useful to try again here.
I'm not sure what I'd want to do with music if I didn't do this. I'm not sure what I can do. I know that it's all research on my part, but I'm also wondering if something music related is even what I want to do at all. I'd feel hesitant going for music while at the same time branching off into a different field. It's sort of like saying "Ah yes, I'm a Music and Marine Biology double major... but I'll really only be doing Marine Biology, all of this music stuff isn't really- yeah, that's not gonna happen." I feel like it's a waste then even wanting to try to half go for something in music if I'd know I was actually shooting for something else.
And I don't want to half go for something. I want to be Jessica studying for the LSAT Eleanor being completely captivated by her chemistry classes- level dedication to the subject I choose. Which I know I would have been if 1. I knew how to write music; 2. I knew what I wanted to do with it; and 3. I believed in its ability to be something worthwhile and meaningful. And maybe I'll still find those things. I guess that's what I'm searching for.
